Story by predictive text

Except for the first word and occasional pronouns, this post exclusively used the center option for predictive text.

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Sorry I couldn’t do anything to make you a great time. The app was very well written but I didn’t know if I had to use the actual site. The only one I have is a few more years old than me. The compressor was in a driveway, so that was the compressor.

You’re going through a driveway with the van and then it is a little late for the house. It’s not really cool but it’s not a bad idea. So sorry to be late for work today. The only one I have is a few more days of work than a day or a week and then it will get me to a place where I’m at a certain point. Of course, it is not really cool and it’s a good time.

Who I am with a lot more like a good job than a man in my van and I’m not really sure that he is a better man but I think it’s more of an opportunity for him. I just can’t believe how it works out if you was the way it would work. The only house I was in was the van. The compressor was still in a van that I had a car and then I went back out to my driveway.

Finally, I got my phone fixed today I had a few more minutes of my job today. I had a couple more weeks of my job with the house and I had to go back out and then it would have to go back out and I do not really have to work for it because I’m not really sure that I’m not going through it.

The only one who they can make me a good time and they will do great things to me.

Kratom: First Impressions

Interesting post about Kratom for anxiety.

Realivanation

As I have previously mentioned in this blog, I have problems with anxiety and depression for which I’ve been trying to find a cure and/or relief for most of my entire adult life. Presently, it has paralyzed my ability to make any major decisions out of sheer fear. Even small decisions, such as figuring out the most efficient way to do some tasks leaves me unable to move forward. I have also been plagued with sensitivities to sudden noises and interruptions to my concentration. These are some of the problems that I’m experiencing.

In the most recent past, I have tried many different things of which I may write about in a future post, but for today, I want to specifically write about my first time taking Kratom.

For the uninitiated, Kratom is a plant of Indonesian origin which also goes by the name mitragyna speciosa. There are different kinds…

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What’s the point?

I’ve spent a lot of time during the last year and a half being isolated from others but still married. I’ve also spent a lot of time running in circles with anxiety inside my head wondering about the best path to take for my life. I feel that it has been a series of reactions to things that happen to me. I think that I’m at the point where I’m all out of ambition because everything appears to result in failure. At least, this is how I feel today.

The original title for this post, Why Be Married, is the ultimate question I’m asking myself these past few days. I thought, perhaps mistakenly, that at least one of the reasons one gets married is for companionship. You share your lives, which include the good times as well as the bad times. You support each other, and you have each other’s back like the vows state, “in sickness and in health.” Is it so horrible to expect some kind of emotional support during down times?

Many times, when bad things happen, I have felt emotionally abandoned by my wife. As a result, I’m really questioning if being married is worth it. I didn’t get married to be alone, only share the good times, and left on my own when problems arise, but that is what’s happening to me. I also don’t think that I’m constantly in “bad times” mode either. I support and give her encouragement when she’s down, help her when she’s sick, and celebrate during the good times too. Is it too much to ask for reciprocal treatment?

As it stands, I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m also tired of waiting for things to turn around as if attitudes and prejudices will miraculously turn around and she’ll be a different person. For that matter, the same applies to me. I am not miraculously changing either.

It’s been a year and a half since she moved out; seemingly, as a response to losing my job. Of course, this span of time was interrupted with two months of being her full-time healthcare worker after we were in a car wreck. This care included cooking all meals, bathing her, helping her go to the bathroom, buying a TV and renting a hospital bed, among other comforts. Despite the slights, I took care of her and did a great job at it. It’s what a husband is supposed to do. It breaks my heart that I don’t think she would do the same for me.

Based on our conversation yesterday over dinner, it appears that I’m just not worthy of emotional support or being cared for unless I’m also successful. If that’s the barometer of love for her, then what’s the point, even when I am successful?

So, it seems that I’m at an impasse. I haven’t a job, I haven’t a marriage, and I may not have a place to live other than my broken down van. I’m really wondering what I am going to do at this point. Should I just give up, sell everything and live off the proceeds until I can get stable again? I’m floundering, not addicted to anything, but the person who I am supposed to count upon the most couldn’t care less.

Having said all of this, two people are usually to blame in relationship and marriage matters that have become unwound. I am only speaking on my perspective and I can’t speak for hers. What I can say is that I’m tired of always feeling lesser in priority, of always feeling like an afterthought, but always expecting to put her above everyone else. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m tired of feeling unrelatable.

In conclusion, I really don’t know what benefit this post is going to make, but only to form some sort of public catharsis for feelings of which I’ve not communicated to anybody except for her. Hopefully, I have more interesting content other than having me whine about the problems in my life. I really don’t know what else to do about it except for this right now. Thanks for reading.

Smoke Alarm Season

So here’s an interesting story, or should I say a major friggin’ design flaw. I was politely reminded today via makeshift banner to change the batteries in my smoke detectors. No doubt, this is meant to coincide with daylight savings time or the lack thereof. I really can’t remember whether we’re taking away or removing an hour from our schedules, but “Fall Back” seems to indicate we’re getting an extra hour of sleep. Yay!

In any case, my roundabout trip figuring out which alarm was chirping at me at 2 AM in the morning was quite the frustrating endeavor.

Now, I have a large house. Technically, it’s three stories if you include the full staircase to get to the attic. I have alarms of this kind all over the freaking place. Trying to find the offending alarm amounted to a game of Marco Polo.

Here I am lying in bed hearing the incessantly polite, yet insanely irritating noise deep from the Fireman’s crypt every minute or so. To pacify the problem for the evening, I stand in front of the first alarm until one of them, almost never the one I’m standing in front of, chirps once and only once. Realizing that it’s further away, I try to locate the next logical location based on my hearing. It’s as if the alarm was shouting “Polo!” after my proverbial “Marco” stance in the various rooms upstairs. Another more seasonal analogy may be “second clap” from The Conjuring, but I digress.

Given this arcane form of troubleshooting, wouldn’t it be nice if, instead or in addition to the incessant chirp, they simply lit the LED a different color to let me know which battery was dead so that I could beat the right one to a pulp? Never mind that I should probably replace all of the batteries at this time, but it would have saved me some valuable sleep.

Flotsam

“Where am I going?” I ask myself. “Where am I going to go?”

“What am I doing?” I ask myself. “What am I going to do?”

The inertia in my head seems to beckon for flotsam. That is, shipwrecked and scattered thoughts spread out among a sea of internal sanity; to disrupt the normal flow; to disrupt the even keel. What is it about these products of anxiety that produce the thoughts floating around up there? They lure me into wasting time blocking other, more productive thoughts. They lull me into believing and acting upon potential falsehoods and misperceptions. They spiral me into a feedback loop of worrying about the bad that could be and good that I may have missed out upon.

Even writing about this subject in this way appears to bring out the aforementioned buoyant baggage that aimlessly bobs through my mental sea. But what’s to come of it? What is ever to come of it?

You learn to ignore it. You learn to let it go. You learn to deconstruct it so that its premise and anxious aftermath dissolve to the bottom of the proverbial ocean. Sometimes, the battle is held one thought at a time. The problem with this is that there is an ocean full of these thoughts with their own peculiar hooks. Sometimes, they anchor. Thus, never going away. Life would be much better is they didn’t exist in the first place, but I can’t choose the path of my life ex post facto.

I really wanted to have a strong ending for this post, but healing something that seems to have always been with you, where you can’t pinpoint its genesis, continues to be a struggle and will most likely continue to be.

Why Popular?

Daily Prompt: Popular

Is self-assignment of what’s popular easy for you? Is it begrudgingly acquiesced against your better judgment? Is it a gentle whisper, which increasingly progresses from an annoying breeze, and then onto heavy wind, nor’easter, tropical storm, and then hurricane before you submit and regret at a later time? Is the assignment of something as popular a direct reason to be against it? What makes something popular? Who or what drives it?

Also, in what context do I mean by this word? Is it simply many people favoring something for a concrete reason, such as “product x is a good value because of its qualities of a, b, and c,” or it is a synonym for “cool?”

What is it that makes these things what they are? What is it that makes these things eventually fall out of favor? What is it that lists what is and what isn’t in the world of must want, must have, must feel, or must experience? I’m thinking about the Styx song, “The Grand Illusion” right about now.

We’ve also heard the various sayings, such as, “What’s popular isn’t always right.” Well, it isn’t always wrong either. I’ve also read various derivatives of dystopian popularity being that what’s popular is manufactured as bread and circuses meant for mass distraction towards a more nefarious purpose by those in power (or those who would like to be).

I write like I’m a disinterested observer, but I’m in the middle of it just like everyone else. I am also suckered into the delights of buying something for momentary joy only for its eventual deflation of the initial feeling which prompted the purchase; like air slowing leaking from a balloon.

This is really an open-ended post, but I often wonder how much of our tastes are directed into existence by entities outside ourselves. Are we really just fun mirrors reflecting various forms of others’ tastes, whether that is from media or others in our more local circles? Is everything just a build upon other ideas previously implemented, some of which crumple under their own weight? How important is any of it? What are we really searching for through it?

In spite of

Here are some lyrics I wrote that could be set to acoustic jazz guitar or kazoo and slide whistle (Spike Jones-style). I’m not sure yet.

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In spite of all the times where I was led astray.

In spite of all the trials and tests that have led me here today.

In spite of how my heart was broke

In spite of all it meant,

I’m here for you.

Despite what’s to happen in the days of aft and what’s happened in days before.

In the days of bliss and merriment

In the days we couldn’t be more.

From when we let our hearts arrest like ice cold, drifting snow.

From where we laid our heads to rest to recover from the fall.

Where summer sweeps in a newborn dream and springs it forward in passionate themes,

I’m here for you.

Is the recreation of something always the best goal? (plus other anti-advice)

via Daily Prompt: Recreate

To recreate, to rebuild. I hear these terms a lot when referencing the fallout of disasters’ ruins, whether those be from hurricanes, tornados or floods, but what about the disasters of fallen marriages, career implosions, failed businesses, or travesties of an unfulfilled life crippled with anxiety?

To me, a recreation implies a duplication of what once was. The motivation for seeking such a result is to recover what was lost, but what if you don’t want what was lost? What if you need adventures of the new; adventures of the kind that don’t get entangled into the previous destruction. Even if the titles are the same, such as marriage, career, business, why can’t they be something different? Instead of creating what was, baggage and all, why not start with a fresh view as to what you want instead of what you either used to want or what others wanted for you.

What you really need to know isn’t listed above

Having said this, I really don’t know a thing. These are just rambling thoughts. I am not the person whose advice you should be taking. It doesn’t sound like bad advice to the surfaced ear, but I guess that depends on your situation. It could be bad advice too. Like this bit of untethered advice, what I see, continually, on all forms of social media, are people who think they have all of the answers for all of us; that all of us are the same, we work the same way, having the same motivations and motivators for changing our circumstances. This includes various Facebook pages, blurbs in Twitter, or various memes, plus others having seemingly eloquent quotes from other, more famous people, extolling sanitized, one-size-fits-all wisdom to the less enlightened masses who never asked for the advice in the first place.

I’m here to say that they don’t know you. How would they know what you’re going through? How would they know how to fix your problems? How could they possibly have the solution?

As for myself, I’m forever trying to figure out my life and trying to fix it. I’m continually trying to introspect. I’m continually trying to “discover” the thing, the key, that will make everything go well; the magic principle that will guide me to happiness. I have to say that I’m quite exhausted from it all. Thinking about getting back to how my life was makes me incredibly anxious. On the flip side, thinking about what my life is becoming also makes me incredibly anxious. I’m not sure what this means. I don’t want to be stagnant, but at the same time, I don’t want to spend my life chasing either. Do you?

Daily Prompt: Flavorful

via Daily Prompt: Flavorful

Flavorful is the feeling you get when your nostrils flare with excitement in a sympathetic response at your taste buds’ directive. The rush of blood to your face bones sperading down to your checks and onto the rest of your face is nothing short of amazing. When I think about it, the reaction to something flavorful may even be more amazing than the taste causing it.

Can flavorful be the new addiction? The latest craze? The replacement for those addictions that are bad for you? Taste addiction therapy? The possibilities are tasty.

Why?

I created this blog to participate in WordPress’ various challenges, word prompts and other exploratory writing without mucking up my other blog(s) that have particular focuses.